Boris Johnson Gets Lifetime Croquet Ban

Life time ban for Boris

Boris Johnson, the bumbling party monster, divider of nations, allegedly serial philander & fabricator, sporter of rubbish hair and generally degenerate, self-interested grease ball, has been banned for life by the Dubai Croquet Club Committee.

Obviously as a unopinionated bi-partisan and inclusive bunch we do not take this lightly but let us put the evidence before you.

The Evidence

  1. Lied about pretty much everything relating to the EU during his Brexit Campaign.

  2. Had multiple cheese and wine raves during lockdown, flouting the government's own rules - nice.

  3. Andrew Mar is generally a pretty smart guy and he thinks Boris is a nasty piece of work.

  4. Even the previous Conservative attorney general thinks Boris is full of it.

Polling the Nation

After an extensive and statistically irrelevant survey we have discovered that Boris' own contituent thinks he is a "Filthy piece of toerag"

The Action

Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson (soon to be formally) of 10 Downing Street, London, UK

is hereby banned for life from all Dubai Croquet Club events, tournaments, socials, work events or otherwise.


Novak Djokovic is still welcome for now. Despite being a bit of tit, putting other athletes at risk and then lying about it, he's actually good at his job, and that matters mallet fans.

But you're on warning Djokovic, you cheeky monkey. Don't make a habit of it.